No. Instead of the supposed intelectual stimulation I receive in classes, I will be sleeping. Or cleaning. Or packing. Or rearanging.

Yes, folks. My apartment is a mess and needs to be fixed. Why is it a mess, a bigger mess than usual? New roommates, my dears. Three to be exact. Five people in a three bedroom apartment…how interesting.

It’s only been four days now. Thus far, it’s been okay. We all have different schedules, so there are really no more than two people here at a time. Three at the most, except at night.

I’m worried about the cleaning. Who will do it, when. The money. Us getting along. Noises during the night, especially the night before a test. I’m nervous I’ll be studying for an exam while others are being loud and drinking. They are my friends, though, so hopefully I’m worrying about nothing like I usually do. My friends respect me more than that. Hopefully they realize that for the…well, entire time I’ve been in college, I’ve fooled around. I have finally realized that I need to get my ass in gear. And I’m finally doing it. Hopefully they won’t bring me down.

More words in my head. No time to sit down and type anymore. No time to put those words together. No time for anything.

I have so far been doing okay on not drinking soft drinks. I had a Mountain Dew Friday and I’m pretty sure I haven’t had one since. I do consider this great progress since Coke was something I drank on a regular basis. I’ve had a headache off and on today, though I’m not so certain it’s from caffeine withdraws.

I have yet to go to the fitness center, but I’m trying to not push myself, especially since I’m trying really hard to not become stressed out right now with all the stuff I’ve let pile upon me. I’m afraid starting to exercise right now will leave me even more exhausted and eventually, I will break down. Maybe I’m just forming excuses so I can remain lazy and stay in my nice apartment.

School is going okay. Boring as usual. I skipped my first class today; that’s K.’s fault, not mine. And that will remain my story for I would have finished the walk to my class after we parted if we hadn’t have combined to begin with. This class is incredibly pointless. I sit in the front row and can still barely hear the professor. And what she does say, I already know, whether it is from my developmental psych class last semester or because I already read the chapter. Occasionally, she’ll give us a more up-to-date statistic that she says will be on the test (though, who can believe professors anyway) but I honestly could care less about this class. I could not attend, skim through the book and probably still come out with a B. Not because I’m “uber-smart” or “lucky”, but because it is almost identical to my developmental psychology class I took last semester, and because the majority of the topics we’re discussing now we are also discussing in my child psychology class. It’s almost like a review class the entire hour.

I don’t feel energized at all anymore. I wake up, go to classes where it’s hard for me to stay awake, go to work study which is just as boring if not more, then go to work which is, can you guess?, also incredibly boring. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be staying there. I’m dying my hair a normal color soon so I can possibly be hired by some business, since no one will hire a girl with pink hair in this town, that will offer more money and stimulation of some type.

I have too much to do and not enough time.  But I suppose I’m not helping myself by sitting on my couch, playing around on my laptop.

I clean out the tub, turn the water on smokin’ hot, and stare at my figure while the tub fills. I at one point thought that, though I’m overweight, I was still attractive. I was at some point able to at least look at myself. Now, it makes me want to cry.

I turn away as soon as I can. I cannot stand to look at myself any longer. If I could, I’d break the mirrors in our apartment. They serve no purpose.

I place my stout figure into the tub, the water almost too hot. Writing this now, my legs and arms are still blood red. I sit, wanting to submerge myself under the water as I did when I was younger. I wanted to feel the warmth and just forget about everything that has been happening lately. But all I could think about doing was getting my hair wet, and I just could not have that.

I rubbed my thick thighs, my farmer’s tan on my arms breaking up the milky white conformity that is the rest of my body. I decided to read Shopgirl for the third, maybe fourth time while trying to decide how a person whose comic style rarely amuses me can obtain my full attention throughout a novella about a girl who I have a hard time believing could ever exist.

The ADD I am starting to believe I have kicked in after three or four pages. I decided to lower myself into the still somewhat-steaming water, wanting my back to feel the warmth entirely. It stung at first thanks to the scratch marks given to me from my too-long nails. The pain was almost comforting, though.

As I rose from my bath I noticed three things: 1. I’m still disgusting. 2. My thoughts immediately returned to a boy who should not be in my thoughts. 3. I got my hair wet.

So, I’m finally making changes I should have made a long time ago. I’m going to start using the fitness center three to five hours a week (my goal is five hours a week, but I also realize that my schedule is not as free as I wish it was). This week, I’ll start weaning myself from soft drinks and switch to milk and water, possibly juice as much as I loathe it. After that, I’ll be ridding myself of junk snack foods and replacing that with fruits and vegetables, while also substituting pizzas and the like with salads.

The biggie, after ridding myself of the horrible food will be…the alcohol. While I honestly do not drink that much in a given night, I still drink more than I should. I’m not stupid; this is an activity I enjoy too much to completely give up. Plus, it’s a great group activity. But I will be cutting down from (on average) twice a week to once to twice a month.

I’m also going to quit popping pills, even though (again) I don’t do that very often. Only when I can get free things.

Then, I’ll start cleansing our apartment of junk we don’t need and start organizing our lives. Soon, I’ll rid my life of the negative energy that I can never seem to get rid of.

And, of course, school will become more important to me.

…I say I’ll do this, but I highly doubt I will. I’m going to try my hardest, but I’m already thinking about going to McDonald’s after work and grabbing something to eat before coming home to lounge instead of exercising, cleaning or doing homework. This can’t be a good sign. 

I always drink with the same people. And almost always at my house. Out of the oh so many times I’ve gotten drunk, only once was it not at my apartment. I feel more comfortable then, and the only way I’ll drink is if I am comfortable. Last night, though, I introduced five new people to my regular group of drinking buddies. Three of the five ended up leaving after maybe two hours of being there. But in that two hour time, these new people were able to piss off some of the regulars and make some of us uncomfortable with their fighting.

I tried so hard to be the “mommy” of the group, which I find somewhat ironic considering I usually complain about being the mommy of the group. When I complain, though, it’s not because I chose that position but instead because it was forced upon me.

I’m not sure if I’ll drink with them again. Not because anything horrible occurred, because it didn’t. I’m just not so sure I can have all of them at my place drinking again. Some place else, maybe, but I was nervous enough considering they’re younger than the rest of my friends and me. We were careful, though, but at the sametime the “safe” side of me now thinks I should have not been so careless.

…

Well, one of them just called me and invited me to a kegger. I was going to do homework…but I really feel like hanging out with people. I told him I’d think about it and call him back.

I think I’m going. I’m such a party animal.

I was surprised we didn’t get pulled over at some point, considering if we were driving, one person was laying on top of three people in my back seat. It was seriously one of the best times of my life, though, and I wish our schedules matched up more often so we could do random things like that again.

I’ve considered job hunting again, but that would require me to dye my hair back to a normal color and possibly remove my lip and eyebrow rings. I’m not stupid; if to get a job I must do either or both of those, I will. But right now, I’m just going to stay at the day care and hopefully get my GPA up. I’m only taking three classes this semester, so hopefully getting at least two A’s and one B’s won’t be too difficult.

I’m already considering changing my major. I’m thinking about mentoring in art history and women studies, as well as double majoring in psychology and early education. But I’ve also been thinking about interior design. Or getting rid of it all and just doing art history and working in a museum for the rest of my life. Sounds very exciting, actually, for to work in a museum would mean living in a big city. And that’s what I ultimately want. My dream is to live in New York City in a shitty apartment. It’s a wonderful dream, actually.

My art class is really interesting. The teacher isn’t very exciting, but at least the text book and the information she is giving us is something I’m interested it. Makes it a little easier to pay attention. Not a lot, but a little. My life span development class is a bother, though. I basically took the same class last semester for psychology. So it’s very repetitive. And my teacher speaks in a very monotone way and even though I sit in the front, I’m unable to hear the professor. I guess it is actually a good thing I’ve taken a class so similar, it’s almost the same. 

My night class is also somewhat interesting. It’s child psychology, and since that was what I wanted to do with my life, I was really excited about it. At least the class is interesting and the only assignment I’m not looking forward to is our oral presentation at the end of the year. At least it’s only three minutes and I have almost two months to prepare.

This three day weekend shall be boring, consisting of me studying already. I’ve already been made fun of for try to do some reading on a Friday night. It’s hard to explain to some people that my GPA is actually important to me and the fact that I currently have a 2.3 (or something to that effect) does not thrill me. Mostly because I know I’m smarter than that (not that there’s anything wrong with a two point anything). I just need to finally learn to push myself. And I’m not sure I’m going to be able to. I don’t know if it’s my current lack of interest in my major or if my classes are just boring or what, but I have no motivation to do anything. If it wasn’t for the work study I have to do for financial aid this semester, I probably would have skipped at least one of my classes. But because of that, I’m at Tech every day except Monday at eight in the morning. I suppose that will be a blessing for me this semester. 

I should be preparing myself for the first day of classes tomorrow. I’m afraid I’ll continue to drive past the school instead of stopping to park and continue my merry way to work. I doubt this will happen, but it would still be amusing.

Lots of exciting things have happened this past week. The first one being that I quit my job. I’ve decided I’m suck of all the bullshit drama going on at the day care and have instead taken the job as a nanny, basically, for a friend of the family so she can go back to work. This is not want I really want to do, honestly, but 1) It’s not the day care and 2) I’ll be able to put a lot of work into my school work, something that rarely happened last year, and hopefully get A’s in my three classes.

My last day is this Thursday, which is also assessment day. Lucky for me, I’ll be in class while the assessment will be going on. Unlucky for me, I’ve been screwed out of hours for classes we’re supposed to take throughout the year. I stopped taking them when I was told I had enough, only to find out that I have six hours instead of the eighteen we need. Um, what the fuck? I distinctly remember taking more than three classes, and I also remember counting up my hours myself. And it was more than that, with the hours from last year that do not count toward this year. I’m beyond pissed about this, but hey. I’m leaving. So they can kiss my ass.

I wasn’t going to leave the day care completely, though. I have Thursdays off at the nanny gig, so I told my boss at the day care that I would come in on Thursdays if they needed me to. That won’t be happening anymore now, though, because I learned I have to participate in work study. I didn’t want to, but if I don’t, I won’t be able to go to school because the program helps pay toward my schooling. So I’m trying to figure out a way to fit in ten hours a week for the work study program. I’m pretty sure I have it figured out, but I’ll find out tomorrow if my schedule works for them.

I also finally added pink to my hair, which I love. Though it’s been less than a week, and places have already started to turn orange. Not cool, yo. My mom came visiting Saturday and bought me an (almost month early) birthday present: a pink razr. I’ve wanted one since they came out. And I love it. This is the first time I’ve actually had a phone I liked. Plus, it has a camera on it, and I have a bad habit of leaving my digital camera at home when I want to take pictures.

Mom also brought with her a couch to replace our (second) broken futon in the living room. It’s an old dorm couch that my mom got at an auction where she works. Seven dollars for the couch, two end tables, and another table all in good condition and for about seven dollars. The only problem is rearranging the living room to fit all of the stuff in. We currently have way too much furniture for our little apartment. Once we take the old big screen to the dump, we should have enough room.

Last night was our “end of the summer bash” (not really, but since it was at the end of the summer, we’ll call it that). We did one of the most cliché things ever: went to a lake to drink. Drinking in public makes me nervous as it is. But with the three or so car wrecks from kids driving while drunk (and at least two subsequent deaths) have made me more nervous. So my two shots of vodka lasted me for the night, which was okay by me. The Boyfriend and I ended up leaving early, anyway. I started to feel even more uncomfortable when my friends left and a bunch of people I don’t know replaced them.

…that’s been my week, though. Not necessarily as exciting when written down as it was while it happened, but fun nonetheless. I’m going to go try to get some sleep and remind myself that classes start tomorrow. For some reason, I keep forgetting.

First there was Grade School Friends Part One. This was my first real best friend and people I cannot remember. The only reason it really deserves in recognition is because this group stuck with me for a while. Then there was Grade School Friends Part Two, which also included the first best friend though she was no longer the best friend. In fact she was probably the lowest of the friends. 

Then, High School friends. High school was not a bad experience while it was happening, nor now in retrospect. My only problem with it that, now, almost two years later, I realize how much of a horrid person I was. I was bitchy, angry, depressed…all because of the people I chose to hang out with. This group included my fourth best friend and people I knew from church.  (I skipped the third best friend because neither of us were part of a group when we were best friends.)

The fourth group did not last long, though technically I guess it is still going. I’ll name it the Summer After Our First Year of College Group. This was my drinking/movie night group. I still love the majority of these people (which includes best friend number three, though we’re still barely friends anymore; we try but it’s not the same) and want to continue to be with them, but I’m starting to realize that this is not really possible.

My latest group, which isn’t really a group, would be my Still In High School friends. I say it’s not really a group, because we don’t really hang out or talk very often. But I hung out with some of them this past Friday at a concert. And that was the best time I’ve had in a long time. We have plans to go out on my day off, which happens to be one of the boy’s birthdays. I’m going to help them skip school, I’m going to go to class then we’re off to IHOP. Then to take over the world. Or some bullshit, we’re not certain yet.

And I’m excited. More excited than I’ve been about anything for a while. Maybe it’s because these are new friends. Maybe it’s because I’m learning about new people. Maybe it’s because it’s a change, and I’m ready for another change.

How juvenile I feel going through all this, but the whole best friend/clique thing is juvenile. And I worry that no one grows out of it.